small figures in a vast expanse

2/20

Fri, 20 Feb 2009 18:01:49 GMT

My statistics teacher is a douche bag. I don't understand why he puts down his family so much. I guess sometimes family jokes are funny, but he's constantly making jokes about how awful they are. Yesterday he said he would trade his two daughters in for a boy any day. Everyone laughed, but is that really a healthy way to talk about his kids?

2/18

Thu, 19 Feb 2009 04:16:53 GMT

I'm discovering a lot about myself. I don't want to care so much about what I look like anymore. I want to be like I was in elementary school. I may have not been dressed well or had my hair brushed, but at least I could appreciate life without caring about what every single person thought about me and not get offended if a boy didn't think I was pretty.

The monster is no longer
Under my bed hiding.
She is inside me fighting
To ruin the ones who have
Stomped around her.
Until I'm the prettiest girl in the room,
Never stopping.
It's my obvious impending doom.
Ill try to hide
The monster inside
Behind the comfort of sleep,
Never stepping
From the weak
Place I'm allowed to be
When I'm alone.

i think this is what the inside of my head looks like

Wed, 11 Feb 2009 04:39:56 GMT

cleanse song

Mon, 09 Feb 2009 12:58:33 GMT

After barely talking to me for a few weeks, I get an instant message with the link to your music myspace. This is why I'm starting to hate "musicians."

slow it down baby gotta have some fun

Thu, 05 Feb 2009 05:55:22 GMT

Yesterday I saw a mentally handicapped woman in a wheelchair stuck in the snow. A man was digging her out with his bare hands. I've been working for the past forever. I'm just exhausted. And I have no spare time.

right effort, right mindfulness

Thu, 29 Jan 2009 19:43:13 GMT

Sometimes philosophy is a very difficult class to sit through. But even trying to focus on what I'm learning for, like, three seconds is pretty awesome. I'm reading a bunch of lightspeed champion blogs and they're real funny. So I'm going to try to do this a little more. I have class for four more minutes, and I'm hoping typing this will cover up the sounds of my tummy growling.

Because of the sidewalks being covered in snow, I have to walk in the street to get to class. Keep in mind this is the middle of downtown Indianapolis. Not only is this quite dangerous, it's also quite frightening. And even sometimes when cars drive by the water splashes up. I feel like I'm in the movies.

first we were born, then we ran slowly out of luck

Thu, 29 Jan 2009 06:46:59 GMT

Last night Kaela, Metal Bryan, and I decided to drive to Muncie for the open mic even though it was practically the blizzard of '76 outside. It took about 4 hours to get there. We also spun the car around twice on the interstate. It really was a miracle we didn't get hurt. We got stuck there overnight. It only took about an hour and a half to get home, but we had to shovel snow out of the way of Kaela's and Bryan's cars. After ten days of not napping, I gave in tonight. I was just exhausted from the drive and the snow. Hopefully whatever is happening is new and different and can give me a little peace of mind.

I just really liked my outfit.

I finally understand.

Sat, 27 Dec 2008 08:31:51 GMT

He lied.

why am i watching the disney channel

Fri, 26 Dec 2008 02:50:53 GMT

Instead of practicing? Today we went to my aunt's house. Its so weird being older. My grandma was talking about how you should never get your name embroidered on things because they might call your name and make you believe they know you. And then my cousin started asking my uncle if he would kill Ronnie the Rapist if he raped her. He was like "well, i wouldn't want to go to jail for the rest of my life." It was pretty hilarious. Also, something super awesome happened last night. We'll see if it lasts or if it turns out like all the rest : /

sometimes planes, they crash up in the sky

Wed, 24 Dec 2008 23:48:09 GMT

I was looking back on old livejournal entries from when I was like, fourteen. I realized I haven't changed much. I just try to fit everything in, and I'm just generally upset because I feel like I'm always letting people down. When my mother asked me to take her to the doctor on the fifth, I tried to convince her to get Hal to take her. I tried to explain that I had to work the night before, and it would be too early in the morning for me to drive to Greenfield. I didn't have the heart to remind her that my birthday is the day before, and I might have wanted to have a birthday party at some point that weekend. But, since my roommate is going to Chicago the night before for a boy who is playing a show there, I can't do it then. At least it's Christmas. Hopefully something nice will get me out of this nasty mood.

It's the loving lives we long for.

Sat, 16 Aug 2008 18:28:01 GMT

A man in a hotel room, tangled to his teeth by the telephone.
He's waiting on a woman, wondering what she's doing,
And pacing so his pulse won't slow.
He drums his legs and pulls his hair; he carves her dimples in the air.
The raging world has spooked him scared, and he don't want her lost out there.
So now it's later than it needs to be,
And though his aching eyes want sleep,
Against all rationality,
Against everything he believes,
He prays for her protection,
Heaven bound & glory be.
I pray for your protection,
Heaven bound & glory be.

Adventures In Hallucinations

Fri, 15 Aug 2008 05:53:05 GMT

At about ten o'clock this evening I was home alone treating my staph, and I heard people in the apartment. So I thought Amanda came home. When I said her name she didn't answer. This realization caused me to call her to see if she left again, and she promptly informed me that she hadn't come back. So I flipped OUT. After locking myself in the bathroom [with heidi of course] amanda raced home. I had to wait for twenty minutes in the shower with both my doors locked and pepperspray in hand. I kept calling my dad and her, and I was crying I was so scared. I continued to hear banging around on stuff and knocking on my door. Eventually, Amanda arrived and hit the buzzer, and someone from inside unlocked the door for her. Amanda and I then ensued our search through the apartment, and we both had our pepperspray one y chromosome away from use. We looked around and couldn't find anyone. So we reasoned that they had gone through the air vent.

Basically, I could quite possibly be hallucinating because of the medicine I'm taking.

you weave gracefully, gracefully weave

Thu, 14 Aug 2008 04:05:08 GMT

Yes, I have staph. I'm falling apart.

Following through our earlier promises for the summer, Amanda, Kara, Heidi, and I went to kara's pool to sun bathe and read Cosmopolitan. We took lots of pictures. Then Ryan and Veronica came over to get some donuts and sit on the circle. It was beautiful outside tonight.

I think I write in my real journal less when I write in my livejournal. I should fix that.

so i can keep on stompin in mah air force onez

Wed, 13 Aug 2008 03:52:56 GMT

I've started losing track of what day it is. That is either a good or bad sign.

I stayed at Skot's last night with Beerad and Ninja Nick. The night before, Tulo, Shawn, and MAH stayed at my apartment. I'm not a hoe! It's really nice to just hang out with a bunch of boys and being silly and laughing at silly things most girls would find immature. I've almost finished Breaking Dawn. Today, I bought two different kinds of polaroid cameras so I could start the whole polaroid-a-day thing. Sleeping and reading is consuming my life. I'm going to get up early and exercise or something so I don't feel like an ultra fail. I also got to see my good friend Nick today after not seeing him for seven whole months! We went to the bodies exhibit at the mall and found out it was 22 dollaz so we just backed out slowly. Now I'm going to go write a thank you note to Bart for getting us an end table.

Look what we bought for the apartment:

funny right?

Once again.

Fri, 08 Aug 2008 08:31:41 GMT

Chad, Marshall, and Zach stayed at my apartment for a few days while they were in town. It was very fun, but somewhat disturbing to see how boys act when they're comfortable. Tuesday was my last day at coldstone. It feels awesome being unemployed. Tomorrow I'm going to the state fair.

You made me feel special for a little while, and I lived in denial of the situation between the two of us. Why do I keep doing this to myself?

post-warped wrap-up

Fri, 01 Aug 2008 04:04:30 GMT

The day was off to a rough start. I had trouble sleeping last night, and we all woke up late this morning. Naturally, we didn't know what to wear. The employee at fye didn't give Kara her ticket, he gave her the receipt. So I had to buy her a new one. By the time we got in, I missed the first ten minutes of 3OH!3 and was quite upset about it. The rest of the afternoon wasn't too exciting. I saw Confide, Sky Eats Airplane, and Forever The Sickest Kids. That was a pretty insane set. We then saw All Time Low and The Audition. We always love ATL and had been waiting to see The Audition for 10 years or so, so that was great. My favorite set was by far Motion City Soundtrack. I managed to work my way to the rail and was fighting off the crowd-surfers somewhat successfully. It was amazing to see them still be really excited to play. And they played My Favorite Accident, which made my life. So it was a good day all in all. Last night, I got to go to Terre Haute to my high school's band camp. I missed those girls so much. I miss performing, too.

I have to believe I can feel good,
good will come out,
and good is not dead yet.

I can be alone, yeah.

Thu, 24 Jul 2008 20:30:19 GMT

Ultimately, boys have only caused me heartache, pain, annoyance, sickness, anxiety, and self-doubt. Ultimately, boys have cost me time, money, great opportunities, self-esteem, and my sanity. I have been alone for a long time. I have been taking care of myself for a long time. Why must I continually give these important aspects of my life to those who don't deserve them? After several years of these mistakes, I've finally learned my lesson the hard way. Thinking about being in a relationship not only scares me, but it repulses me. My natural instinct has now turned into ruining relationships before they start by telling my suitors some stupid excuse or just ignoring them. I have tried to force myself to change this habit, but now I have gotten to the point where I don't even want to alter this behavior. I don't want to get hurt anymore. I don't want to waste my time anymore. I definitely can't afford to waste money anymore. I want to learn, help people, make music, and have fun. I won't let being alone cause me to feel any worse about myself, and I won't let any other person affect my happiness. I will only trust and depend on God. So until he leads me to someone that can prove me wrong, I don't believe that relationships work or will have a positive impact on my life. And until someone can prove me wrong, I won't feel jealous of the couple having a picnic on the canal. I won't wish I had someone to watch The Lion King with. I won't wait for someone to visit me at work. I have my own life, my alone life, and I will be much more satisfied with it.

stolen.

Mon, 21 Jul 2008 05:41:48 GMT

This has been one of the most eventful weeks of my life. Living here has been amazing. I finally feel comfortable coming home, and although it's not the home I am waiting for, it's a step in the right direction. We have had many adventures so far:
-all the spiders and centipedes Amanda and I have had to vacuum up
-walking on the canal at all hours of the night and not getting kidnapped [in color]
-playing Magic with Alex
-sitting on the circle
-making ridiculous dinners with Amanda
-solving Kara's boy crisis
-getting DD with Melissa during Expo [big mistake]
-dyeing my hair with Amanda and Jon
-seeing hot water shoot out of our espresso machine
-sitting on the hill and listening to kevin devine at sunset and being a big cheez ball
-sleeping in until whenever I wake up
-getting lost and almost mugged with Ryan
-playing mad gab with Nathan, Skot, Brad, and Alex
-staying up all night with Tulo and Shawn
-watching too much Arrested Development with Kaela and Amanda
-thinking of all the amazing things that are happening to me right now, and only being completely overwhelmed, haggard, and spazzy the majority of the time as opposed to all of the time.

p.s. I'm still not over you.

I want to tell you the truth.

Fri, 18 Jul 2008 03:55:29 GMT

Each and every one of you.
But it would cause too much trouble.

Wed, 16 Jul 2008 06:26:58 GMT

I was going to be your queen.
But- you beheaded me.

God, my God.

Tue, 15 Jul 2008 06:59:27 GMT

Where have you been?

Hey, come back to me.

Mon, 14 Jul 2008 01:59:23 GMT

We were young and learning.
Steady hearts hate turning.
That's where we went wrong.

Amanda, Kara, and I just walked around the canal for the first time since I've moved in. I saw someone I really could have done without seeing. But at least now Ryan is coming to hang out and we can watch Greek.

truth box.

Sun, 13 Jul 2008 05:09:35 GMT

sometimes i think you like me.

Movin' on up!

Sat, 12 Jul 2008 12:47:10 GMT

Today, I am moving out of my house. I figured that statement was epic enough so I need not elaborate too much. But! This is the plan for the day: 1. Meet Amandee at the G of CC at 9:15 to sign the lease and get the keys. 2. Move my life in. 3. Possibly walk to the Indians' game. 4. Bro down.

Yesterday Amanda got in the car and I realized I couldn't get the door open, and I came to another realization that the car we were getting into was not mine. We're crazy.

Look what I found the other day:

Fri, 11 Jul 2008 06:55:13 GMT

I wanted to make a nice post about my feelings about moving out, growing up, etc.
But I can't do that because all I can think about is a band having the audacity to post a bulletin about us from their myspace that was full of blatant lies and loaded language.
I generally don't care what people think of us because most people hate us anyway. But to think that after we had a GOOD show, where the touring bands were paid and had an AMAZING time, we STILL can't get any respect. And I'm tired of working so hard in order to just get completely disrespected in return.

And on top of all this, of ALL THIS, he was talking to both her and me about how cute we were. And how pretty our eyes were. And how amazing we were. And I looked at old messages from someone else. And i just couldn't stand it. The plastic words were so desperate but so fake and it was too late for them, and it just made me sick. And I want to say all of this to you but i think if i ever speak to you or see you i might be inclined to physically hurt you.

So yes. At this current moment in time there are four males in this world that I don't hate with every fiber of my being.